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You Have To Start

Posted by Rebecca Spence on

When I first came to Christ and was brought to my knees about 10 years ago, I received a clear message from the Lord: “Stop.” I was so broken and so devastated by the inner consequences of my way of living that I was ready. “Yes, Lord. I will stop. No more.”

But then, a second clear message came through: “Now go tell your husband about your life.”

What? Why? No way! There was no need for that. “Yes, Lord. I will stop. No more. But I will not start.”

For four years, I wrestled with the Lord. Amidst every prayer to him, the Lord said to me, “Go tell.” It got to be so persistent that during my prayers I would literally stop and say out loud, “Do we have to talk about this every time?!”

What would telling my husband mean? It would mean revealing who I really was to him and losing his love. After all, this is not who he thought he married. This is not who he loves. It would mean losing my marriage. It would mean losing the respect of my children and my family. It would mean disgracing and bringing great sorrow to my parents. It would mean losing status among my siblings and my peers. And it would mean causing great pain for all the people that I love and who did not deserve it, my greatest fear. I truly did not understand why the Lord would ask me to do this.

But one day, at 5:30 in the morning, while my husband was setting out the coffee cup that he set out for me every morning, I submitted to the Lord and told my husband who I was. It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life. My husband put down the cup and left the house for three days.

When he returned, he had 3,000 questions for me and, for three days, we talked and cried and talked some more.

And then, he had no more questions. Suddenly, my husband became the man I had always wanted him to be. He had a new zest for life and an ambition that I had never seen before. He didn’t leave me. In fact, he turned into a new person, one that I could rely on as the leader of our family and the rock that we needed. I truly did not understand what was going on. He was supposed to leave this person he did not know and did not love. He was supposed to be so disillusioned by my lies. But he seemed to have completely and utterly forgiven me by some supernatural means.

About six months into my bafflement by this new husband and new life, I finally asked him, “What is going on? Why do you seem so content? Why are you so happy? Why are you still here?”

He looked at me a little confused and said, “Because you told me. I didn’t find all of these things out from someone else. You came to me and you told me how broken you were. You let me know that you are not perfect, and that let me know that you need me.”

Then it hit me like a brick to my face. The reason my husband was happy and renewed was because I had done exactly what the Lord had asked me to do.

I had started.

And through my husband’s gracious response, I more fully understood the work of Christ. I more fully understood this amazing grace of which I was not worthy. I more fully understood that God is faithful, so faithful that he provided his son to take my place, and he created a means by which I could walk with him in grace. If you want to know Christ, start.

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